Sanctity of Life: Abigail's Legacy

In February of 1999, I had a routine sonogram scheduled to see our unborn baby. My husband, Billy, and I were very excited and filled with anticipation of seeing this new life that was forming inside of me.

Shock is not the word to describe our heartbreak; it was more like distraught numbness as we heard the doctor tell us that our sweet baby had no hope of living due to a neural tube defect called anencephaly. Our world was shattered! Our life was turned upside down!

We were appalled at the suggestion of taking our child's life, since it was still a legal possibility in our state. I remember telling the attending doctor, through my tears, that there was no way I would take my baby’s life. I said to him, “God is the Author of life and I have no right to choose to take my baby’s life, and I will not do it. If He wants to take my baby’s life that is His decision and not mine to make!” My view of life comes from the knowledge of God that all life is precious and created for a purpose, no matter the circumstance of that life.

At this time I was about 3 months along in my pregnancy, and what was suppose to be a joyful moment had turned into a time of sadness and pain. The knowledge of her life inside of me and the dire prognosis of the outcome brought up a battle that raged inside of me. I had to face it every moment of every day.

I also knew I served a strong and mighty God, a God who could heal, but also a God who knew ultimately what His plan was for not only my life, but the life of this beautiful baby inside of me. We had not only the prayers of our family, friends, and church going forth on our behalf, but we had the prayers of people all over the world who were praying for us. It was amazing to feel those prayers of strength, hope and blessing upon our unborn baby, myself and my family. Those prayers helped both Billy and I press on to what God had called us to.

We wanted so much for God to create a miracle in the life of our baby. We prayed for her healing, but God began to move us to pray for His best to be done through this time whatever the outcome. We knew without a doubt He could heal, but we didn’t know what His call in this matter would be ultimately be.

It often made me angry when a couple of people would question my faith because I was not specifically praying for a miracle. It hurt! They had no idea what their words meant to me. They did not understand, instead of this being a faith stealer this was a faith giver of ultimate proportions.

I remember one particular time, while I was working on an Architectural Rendering project, I cried out to God and asked Him at the debts of my pain: “Why! God, I cannot do this anymore! I cannot continue going on with knowing what I know when I see my belly growing. I just don’t understand why You want us to go through this. I don’t want this!” But in the quiet of that room I heard His sweet soft whisper, “You are not going through this alone.” That is when I began to realize that God had chosen to allow us to go through this pain and yes, healing, in order that He could be glorified through it. I didn’t know how or even completely understand the why of it all, but on that day I became thankful to Him for allowing me the privilege of not only carrying this sweet baby, but allowing me to grow more into the person He was grooming me to be.

Believe me there where many moments of tears, and heartache as this human, motherly mind came to somewhat grasp that there was a possibility that I may not raise her. It grieved within my soul. But that time period of turmoil, growth, and moments of joy was what God had called me to go through. At the same time I was dealing with my heartache, Billy, was dealing with his own. Even through his pain God was moving incredibly through him. Billy was going through his own grooming.

Abigail Grace was born on Aug. 3, 1999. It was a bittersweet moment for us all as we realized that the healing we desired would not be. Abigail was indeed born with anencephaly, but our doctor was amazed to see how beautiful she was. Anencephalic babies normally are very deformed in their facial features. Except for Abigail’s forehead and the top of her skull, her other facial features were barely deformed. I was completely amazed myself because in my research I had seen pictures of babies extremely deformed. As expected Abigail could not see, hear or feel us touching her. With only a brain stem the ability to see, hear, and feel was not possible for her.

When she was born there was not a dry eye in the room. My mom, Marjorie, and Billy’s mom, Susie, were there to give us their love and support during her birth. Also the doctor that I had prayed would be there for her birth was able to be there. Not only was he a Christian, but our nurse was as well. In fact, her nurse’s shift was already well over, but she stayed to support us through Abigail’s birth. God had given us several miracles that day!

Holding her in my arms was the most precious thing to my heart, but I wanted to make sure that everyone who wanted to hold her did while we were blessed with her life. I had held her tight for 9 months and it was important to me for everyone to have some time with her. Throughout the hours after her birth she would peep out to the world, but mostly she kept her eyelids shut. It was sweet and sad at the same time because with those peeps her eyes lacked a focus.

That night she slept in the safety of her daddy’s arms.

The very next day she started showing signs of hunger. This surprised us as she wasn’t supposed to be able to feel hunger. Everyone left the room to give us time to see if she would nurse. In those last moments it was the three of us: Billy, Abigail and me. Her big sister, Morressa, had already had some time with her as best as a 2 year old could with a newborn. It was not long before I realized that our hopes of nursing her would be impossible. Since she did not have a complete brain the connections could not be made that would allow her to nurse. A moment later, as I was holding her in my arms, she turned her head toward us as though she heard our voices. It was then that she opened her eyes to really look at us. A few labored breaths later she took her last breath as she left this earth to go home to Heaven.

Some would say that those last moments we experienced with her was a reflex as she was dying, but I choose to believe that in those last moments God gave us one last gift of her seeing, hearing and feeling us love her with all our hearts. She knew that as she left us and went onward into the glorious presence of Jesus that she was loved beyond measure, all because we gave her a chance to live.

We had the miracle God meant for us to have.

“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in the secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me. When as yet there were none of them.” Psalms 139: 13-16 NKJV

Copyright 2009 Latanya Wagner